


Loophole

by AZFell_Ineffable



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Invented Divorce, Aziraphale Stans Feminist Lilith, Aziraphale is a bastard, Based on Nixarim's new comic Lightbringer, Established Relationship Aziraphale/Crowley, Happy Ending, Multi, Post-Canon, implied sex at the end, in the best way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24081799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AZFell_Ineffable/pseuds/AZFell_Ineffable
Summary: Inspired by Nixarim’s recently released chapter of LightbringerCrowley finds out that Aziraphale created the concept of divorce. Aziraphale tells him how it came about.
Relationships: Adam/Lilith, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 70





	Loophole

“You what?!” Crowley cackled gleefully, rescuing his wine from spilling all over Aziraphale’s carpet. “You were the one who created the first ever divorce?”

“Well, Lilith was hardly happy with Adam, Crowley,” Aziraphale shrugged, a little smile playing at his lips. “Better that they separated before any children could become involved. Besides, Adam was hardly a good spouse to Lilith, trying to control her all the time,” he sniffed. “Once they separated, I gave Adam a stern talking-to about how he should treat his next wife with more respect for her wishes and ensure she had more autonomy than he ever gave Lilith. I’m very glad to say that he listened,” 

“Of course he did, if you gave him the sort of lecture you were giving those Mafia people who tried to get you to sell the shop,” Crowley grinned. “Angel, how little I seem to know you, and we’ve known each other for six millenia!”

“Oh, really,” Aziraphale sighed, hiding his grin in his wineglass as he took a sip.

“So, are the rumours true? Did Lilith leave Adam because she didn’t want his kids?”

“Well, the reason for separation was ‘irreconcilable differences’,” Aziraphale explained. 

Crowley snickered. “You invented that too? Oh, this _is_ becoming a day of discoveries,”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes. “Do you want the real reason or not?”

“Sorry, carry on,”

“Lilith approached me one day…”

*

“Angel!”

Aziraphale turned around from where he was standing on the wall. Down on the ground was the female human, Lilith, looking up at him, her arms folded over her bare chest. Aziraphale extended his wings and descended to meet her.

“Yes, Lilith?”

“Aziraphale, I’m leaving,”

“What?”

“You heard me right, angel,” Lilith sighed. “I’m leaving,”

“But, Lilith! I…I can’t…I can’t let you out of the garden, not without a good reason! Why?” Aziraphale sputtered.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t stand Adam,” Lilith said matter-of-factly.

“Lilith, my dear, God made you and Adam for each other. Surely it can’t be that bad,” Aziraphale attempted to reassure his charge.

“Believe me, Guardian, I’ve tried,” Lilith sighed again, looking away. “But he never listens to me! He-”

“Lilith!” Aziraphale and Lilith turned to see Adam striding over, looking annoyed. “Guardian of the East Gate! Thank goodness you are with her!”

Lilith sighed.

“Adam,” Aziraphale tried to broach the subject of Lilith leaving, but was interrupted by Adam pointing at Lilith in accusation.

“Tell that woman that her mission is to have my offspring! And that she should stop complaining about how and when I decide to lie with her! Make her see reason! After all, God created her for me, right?”

Aziraphale stared at Adam with a sense of impending resignation and doom as Lilith scoffed in disgust next to him. 

_Well, fuck,_ Aziraphale thought.

*

“Wait, wait. Adam wouldn’t take no for an answer, so your answer-”

“Was to let Lilith break the marriage, and to tell Adam that until he learned to understand the word ‘No’ and that no human is entitled to another, he would not be allowed to have a spouse,” Aziraphale sniffed. Crowley stared for a moment, then a thought occurred to him.

“Wait, how could you enforce that?”

“In the paperwork I filed, I insisted upon a gap between the marriages so that I could ensure Adam understood that his entitlement issues would be the end of any marriage he could ever hope to have,” Aziraphale shrugged.

“There is no way that prick Gabriel would have understood any of that,” Crowley pointed out. 

“Well, I may have implied that Lilith leaving broke Adam’s heart,” Aziraphale smiled impishly. “And I may have cited the ‘Our God is a merciful God’ clause at Gabriel and requested his trust in the matter of Adam’s well-being, given that I was the one in the Garden and he was not. He was convinced, and no one else seemed to find an objection,”

Crowley threw his head back and cackled uproariously again.

“You are an absolute bastard, angel,” Crowley sighed happily. “But how did you get Upstairs to be okay with Lilith and Adam’s marriage ending?”

Aziraphale went pink. “Well…”

*

“So, let me see if I have this right,” Gabriel rubbed his temples and looked at his subordinate in disappointment. “We sent you down, at your request, to guard the two humans in the Garden,”

“Adam and Lilith, yes,” Aziraphale nodded with a bland smile, his hands clutching each other behind his back.

“The two humans that the Almighty Herself wanted to ‘go forth and be fruitful and multiply’,”

“Yes, that was Her direction,” Aziraphale nodded.

“But now, the female-”

“Lilith, yes,”

“Wants nothing to do with the male-”

“Adam,” Aziraphale was making a great effort not to scowl at Gabriel’s lack of care regarding Adam and Lilith.

“And refuses to bear his offspring, to the point that she has sought a…what is it?”

“Ah. A formal separation and dissolution of marriage,” Aziraphale’s smile became a little wider and more hopeful. “I did submit a copy of the official paperwork to you,”

“Yeah, we received it. But, _what God hath joined, let not man put asunder,_ Aziraphale. There has never been a necessity for any form of framework of this nature that you seem to have _invented_. God Herself endorsed this union and joined the two humans,”

“Ah,” Aziraphale kept smiling. “Yes, of course. However, _Lilith_ is the one asking for a separation, and as you know, she is not a man. And as the angel submitting the paperwork on her behalf, I am also not a man. Therefore, God may have joined them, but as long as _Adam_ does not, er, put them asunder, it could be permitted for Lilith and Adam to go their separate ways,” 

Gabriel’s mouth fell open as he stared at Aziraphale in shock. 

*

“You loopholed your way into getting Lilith and Adam a divorce?!” Crowley wheezed. It was a good thing he didn’t need air, because he was laughing so hard that he didn’t think he could breathe even if he needed it.

“Well, it worked!” Aziraphale said defensively, pouting a little. Crowley’s glasses had fallen off as he writhed in his chair, half-falling off. 

“You should have gone to law school, Aziraphale,” Crowley gasped, wiping his eyes, giggling.

“My dear boy, who do you think invented the damned things?” Aziraphale asked innocently. Crowley sat upright, his eyes wide. “Well, the earliest foundation for the legal system was one of ours originally, and I did inspire that lovely Enheduanna[1] to write all those hymns and rhetorical texts. Humans took care of the rest after that,” Aziraphale shrugged [2]. 

“So…giving away your sword wasn’t really your first act of rebellion, was it?” Crowley said slowly. “Didn’t God have anything to say about this?”

“To my relief, no. I was worried that she would. After all, she did ask me about the flaming sword after Adam and Eve left the Garden,”

Crowley’s eyes got, if possible, even wider. “Excuse me, what?!” he gasped. “What the hell did you say about that?”

Aziraphale chuckled. “Told her I put it down somewhere, and that I’d forget my own head next. Technically I did put it down…into Adam’s hand,” Aziraphale drained his glass. “I never heard anything else about it from Her afterwards,”

Crowley stared at Aziraphale in awe. “Aziraphale, I need you to come with me right now and sober up,” he said quietly, rising from his chair. Aziraphale raised a brow and allowed the alcohol to drain from his system as Crowley grabbed his wrist, pulled him from the settee and began dragging him to the stairs that led to his flat above the shop.

“Why are we going upstairs?”

“Because I know you don’t like being kissed in front of your books and, quite frankly, if I don’t snog you senseless and do some other unspeakable acts to you right now, I’m going to lose my mind,” Crowley said matter-of-factly [3].

“ _Crowley!_ ”

_[1] Enheduanna is, according to Wikipedia, the earliest recorded poet and writer, High Priestess of Inanna (Mesopotamian goddess of sex, war, justice and political power) and the moon god Nanna (also a god of wisdom). She was also one of the earliest sources of rhetoric, which is the art of persuasion, upon which the early legal systems were based._  


_[2] Crowley had yet to mention to Aziraphale that while he (Crowley) had been under the assumption that humans had created the legal system, Crowley had been the one to create law school fees – fiendishly expensive, requiring a great deal of loans to pay for, and causing the damnation of many souls when said law students were forced to take jobs at high-paying legal firms that enticed them with high salaries to pay back said loans but forced them to work for clients that had already damned themselves with no help from Hell. There was a reason that Hell got all the lawyers._  


_[3] It was a truth that only Crowley acknowledged in the deepest, darkest recesses of his heart, but he was absolutely feral for Aziraphale’s bastard side, especially the side that found ways to disobey the letter of the rules Heaven laid out for him, without veering away from the spirit of those rules. Crowley would rather stick hot needles under his fingernails than admit that the real ‘bad boy’ in the relationship was the one who dressed like an absent-minded Oxford professor from the 19th century rather than the literal demon who dressed like an aging rock star._

**Author's Note:**

> The characters of Aziraphale and Crowley are the property of Neil Gaiman and Sir Terry Pratchett. Adam and Lilith are Biblical figures, though their portrayal in this story is the property of Nixarim. This story is inspired by Nixarim's recently released comic Lightbringer, and comments about how Aziraphale's expression in the last panel of the chapter indicates that he's about to go against the Great Plan (i.e. that Adam and Lilith should be happily married and have kids).


End file.
